Home

I've been home for less than a fortnight and I already feel sick. Having my family around me makes me emotionally weak and ill. I hate it and I know I just have to put up with this gnawing feeling in my chest and throat because I've got another 4 months before my lease in Plymouth begins. It's not that I don't like seeing my family, but prolonged contact isn't good for me.

As well as this sick feeling I'm being driven up the wall by my sister nicking my DVDs the whole time (I'm a little anal about my books and films and she doesn't look after them), my mother keeps yelling at us and my brother is being a royal twat at the moment, calling me a bitch and a slut to his friends on the other end of his computer microphone. And my brother's the sibling I do get on with.

Hardly any of my friends are around until mid June/early July and although I do have another month on the lease of Penrose Street, I don't really want to share breathing space with Matt and Kim again. When I was there I couldn't wait for the year to be over so I could get away from them and I'm still glad I don't have too see them any more, but I don't really want to be here either.

Sometimes I want to just burn all my stuff. To set it all alight because I'm too attached to it and it holds me back. I'd like to keep my books (and my films if I could but primarily my books). I want to up and leave everything behind, but I've got too many attachments, and that's more to places and 'stuff' than to people, but still I feel like I couldn't just leave it all, because I have emotional connections to it (guess it probably says something about me that I feel more connection to objects than to people). Perhaps this Summer holiday I will go through my stuff and throw away anything that I don't want to keep, then I could at least limit my things to a few shelves and boxes, because when it comes down to it, I don't think there's that much that I value outside of my bookshelves.

I just really don't want to be one of these people that nests, that surrounds themselves with things instead of experiences. I just want to get on a train and get off at some random stop up North and then walk. Just get completely lost. It's not like I'd be leaving anything important behind, because everything that I need, and I mean really need would easily fit into a single (although probably large) backpack.